12 June 2008

I Have Decided...

... that 2008 is way too full of challenges. And most of them have been... horrid.

I am fighting an uphill battle to keep before my eyes the long list of blessings I have been given: a loving son; a return to relative health; a roof over my head despite being still unemployed... that sort of thing. There are also the lists of hopes: good interview recently, stuff of that sort. But I've discovered, much to my chagrin, that I am only human... and that sorrow is beginning to weigh me down.

I feel unloved, unwanted... cast aside by a thirty-year marriage partner, not really much needed in the life of a 26-year-old son... and now a beloved friend seems to not need me any more, either. On top of everything else--someone very dear to me is in the process of checking out of this life.

In the face of a life ending, a holy and fraught time... all my little sorrows seem to be so petty. Needless to say, between the self-recrimination, the depression, the grief and the loneliness--I am decidedly NOT in my happy space.

So I am trying to come out of my Wallow just there on the left as you enter the Slough of Despond, long enough to ask if anyone reading this could please take a moment and do whatever your religion recommends at a time like this: say a prayer, light a candle, ask for good spirits to guide him home... as my dear friend R. prepares for the step out of one life into the next one. Musician, mentor, friend... not nearly old enough to go, and too much of a bright, beautiful light for us to be able to afford his loss, however temporary...

For R., for his partner S., and for all those who love them both... may the parting be swift and painless, the path to peace and Heaven short, and the Way lined with waiting loved ones to welcome him home.

I'll try to be better later. Right now I just need to curl up in a ball somewhere and howl for a while... fortunately I am still coherent enough to remember that the Lord "gets" that, and will never leave me.


Kate said...

Because sometimes that's really the best thing for you, my dear. Prayers for you, as well as all those others you've asked for.

If it would help, you might consider stopping by my blog for a taste of the cute.

Rev. Sharon said...

Which is best? Curling up and howling? Or being beaten to death by the universe at large? *wry smile* Let me guess, the answer is... both...

I keep trying to remember that I sat down with God and my Educational Committee before this life, and actually, overtly CHOSE the clusterf*ck that is my life. That's probably what makes me the most insane. :)

I saw the kitteh... teh kitteh is made of CUTEEE!!!!! :)

Don Pratt said...

Rev. Sharon...you and yours will be in my prayers. May Jesus fill you with His healiing spirit and instill hope.



hedwyg said...

Dear Sharon, dear dear sisterwoman,

I'm so sorry!
{{{{{{{{{{ Sharon }}}}}}}}}}

My life has been much with teh suck lately, too. Curling up and howling is sometimes necessary, as is standing up and telling God just *exactly* how you feel about (him). :-)

If I were up to the drive these days, I'd come up to spend a weekend with you. I really enjoyed our day together back in April.

God's peace be with you, dear one.

Big hugs,
hedwyg / warriormare